It may actually be a conditioning thing for me. I began to notice growing up that whenever there was anything good happening to me, my mom would work to ruin it - I don't think she realized this was her pattern. But it became so glaringly apparent after high school, she was dating a millionaire who offered to help me get to California to attend the Brooks Institute for Photography. I never asked, nor did I imply anything - he offered and I immediately declined. He put rules and timelines on his offer that seemed fair and I told him that the only way I could accept the offer was if he ran it by my mom to make sure she was ok with him helping me. That evening was one of the worst experiences of emotional and physical abuse by her that I can remember.
My pattern of keeping my excitement at bay became apparent to me when my son would ask if I was excited about "fill in the blank" and I never was. I don't remember ever deciding that this was the best course of action and I began to piece it together that I don't allow myself to get excited because showing excitement meant that someone would actively work to ruin it for me. And honestly, at 40 years old, I don't know how to get out of keeping my excitement tempered as a way to preserve the good.
In noticing this pattern, I have also learned that when I do get excited - or feel incredibly proud like I did yesterday (it was really great and made me think I could continue with my current job if I could get this type of feeling and acknowledgment of my hard work) the next day I am just... in recovery mode.
Today - I called out of work and am sitting at a coffee shop - watching the rain, listening to the hum of the people around me... realizing that I am, once again, in my pattern.
