... he had kissed her so passionately that first night. She hadn't been kissed like that in so many years. It felt as if he had never left, never boarded that plane. And now tonight, she felt so blind in her confusion. Once again, over the same man.
She had grown so much since the last time they had been together, she was no longer that lost child that she used to be. She knew she was stronger, more reliant on herself. A man could no longer make her feel lost, "but he could break my heart all over again." she thought.
She knew that the silent tears she was shedding were good. She hadn't been able to cry by herself in a long time. Someone always had to make her cry lately before she could let go of anything. She hadn't heard from him in a few days, and she didn't want him to think she was too attached; after all, he did have a plane ticket home sitting with his luggage. Yet she craved hearing his strong European accent call her "beautiful" like he always did. She thought about dialing him, but knew better. He would call her when he was ready. She didn't want to smother him like so many women did to their men when they know hes leaving.
Her thoughts turned to the here and now. She wanted to live in her fantasy world for another week. She was not about to think of what would happen once he boarded that plane. That was so unlike her, to not worry about the future. She ALWAYS worried about the future. But not now. She dreaded that thought. At this point, her plans did not exist past April 12th.
Again she thought of their first night back together. They laid there, holding each other, as she tried to catch her breath. Then the tears came. She had tried to hide them. God, how she had missed him. She tried not to think of how temporary this situation was, but the more she tried not to think about it, the more the tears came. She told him she knew how temporary it was, but she was happy for what they had right now. He said, "We'll see."
She whispered that she was sorry. He shook his head and held her. Held her while she cried, and she was almost positive that he tried to wipe away a tear or two of his own without her noticing.
She forced her thoughts back to the present. There was no way that this was going to last. Unless they married. Foolish. She knew she was being foolish. He had been talking about his friends trying to get jobs here, and how the only way it seemed that they could, was to marry the American that they had been dating. "Sure, the wedding would have happened eventually; but it probably happened a little sooner than it normally would." See, he had been the one talking about it; twice. She knew he was right. She knew that the only way to keep him, was to marry him. She wasn't sure that he was even thinking that way. He was too driven in his own life. That's probably why they got along. Ambition.
...And she would say yes. He knew she would say yes. She knew that he knew. There was really no other option other than continuing to live their separate lives, and find a way to make enough money to travel the 6 hour time difference every few weeks. She knew she would be happy to marry this man she adored, but then what? Yes, she loved him, but not only that, she adored this man. She had told others that she loved them, but she knew that it meant something when this was the only man she had ever adored. He always made her smile. Somehow, he would always make her smile.
That's when the tears really came. "God damn it!" She said out loud.
She pulled into her parking spot. She had so much to do. She hadn't even begun packing for the week long trip she was about to take that would undoubtedly end with tears. She turned off the cars ignition, and sighed, "Home again."
Written April 3, 2007
